Welcome to friendsofbonnie.org tips for Caregivers
Your lessons will be in understanding:
Understanding yourself, and a new understanding of others.
Bonnie and I wanted to post this page to this page to help caregivers and those who wish to help others diagnosed with cancer or any serious condition. The content of this website site is our personal opinion and based on our personal experiences. This is not a professional reference. Use this information at your own discretion. Bonnie and I have listed some suggestions that will hopefully will be useful. A lot of soul searching was done on our part to determine how much of our lives we should expose. We decided to share some personally honest information with you that is not available anywhere else.
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Understanding the cancer patient's situation:
Imagine this. You have just heard the words that you never
expected to hear. - You have cancer - . A whirlwind of hectic activity
ensues to compound your emotional stress. There are doctor's
visits, work loss, and untold emotional stresses that only the
diagnosed can understand. Simple everyday tasks become
impossible due to a lack of time, sleeplessness, or fatigue.
Small things that you can do for the diagnosed can really make big
changes in their lives. The help given to us
by friends, family, and neighbor's helped us beyond what words can relate.
Please pardon me for making this point first and bluntly. We mentioned
that this site would have some brutally honest information.
Watch what you say: People unwittingly say incredibly stupid things.
This following quote is an actual comment made to us. "My uncle was diagnosed
with cancer last year, and he died a month later". We heard
dozens , yes dozens of comments like this. Speak from the perspective
with the understanding as though you were the person
diagnosed. Positive stories help like: "My mother was
diagnosed with cancer, and that was 18 years ago". You don't
have to be a cheerleader. Keep in mind that if you don't have something
good to say - don't say it.
There are many things that you can do to relieve the time, financial, and emotional crunch.
- Donate food or meals, or paper / plastic utensils Bonnie and I found this to be greatly appreciated.
- Donate gift cards for pharmacies, fuel, or fast food (There is a lot of travel involved to and from chemotherapies)
- Provide transportation to medical events
- Help with household chores such as mowing the lawn, or donate a cleaning service
- Take care of pets or water plants.
- Changes will occur. Chemotherapy may cause hair loss or weight loss- offer kind comments such as "you look cute in that outfit"
- Gifts of comfort such as sentimental pillows, prayer blankets, or flowers add a positive air.
- Offer prayers, prayer cards, or send a 'Get Well' card or email
We found that there was an initial surge of help. If you can, try to re-establish your efforts at a later date. It will not go unappreciated.
Notes to the Caregiver(s):
- This will be demanding but you can do it.
- The emotional and physical stress at the beginning of diagnosis will be difficult. Do what you can to relieve pressure from the person diagnosed.
- You must accept outside help. Don't try to bare this by yourself. If people offer help - accept it! This was a difficult step for me. Once enough people scolded me for trying to do it all myself I finally listened. And they were correct.
- Listen carefully to what the patient tells you
- Keep notes or a diary of medical and emotional events.
- Simplify your days as much as possible and be ready for the unexpected.
- You will notice different situations in the media will make you feel uncomfortable. How you deal with this is your choice. We found that discussing the event with other cancer patients made us take note that we were not alone.
- Take care of yourself so that you can take care of them. This means you must eat, and sleep
- Recreation: You must unwind. At first it will seem selfish but it is essential to your health. Whether your hobby is golf, cycling, or checkers, take a few hours to indulge in the quiet time. At first it will be difficult and you may not be able to detach yourself mentally from your situation. Stay with it. You may not be able to participate as often but you will find your balance point..
- Sadness:
You both have thought and said things that you never expected. You are together. There were times when Bonnie and I would be watching TV and both of us would break down into tears. You are there for and with each other. Share your feelings. As you understand each other's feelings you will find comfort with each other. - Venting:
You may become angry or your loved one may display unusual anger toward you. The anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Yes, you both are grieving. Try not to let outbursts get to you. They will diminish as both of you accept your situation. Think of these outburst issues as water rolling off a duck's back. You will discover new inner strengths - one of which is forgiveness. You must learn to forgive yourself as well as others. You will come to understand the preceding sentence in time. It is an experience more than words can explain.
We hope that you find this page helpful. We deliberately kept the format simple so that it would be easy to read or print.
You can email us directly at bon_and_jim_ @ compufind.com Remove the _ for the proper email address.
This page was updated on 12/19/09
'best wishes
Jim and Bonnie